Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
