I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I forgot wine drunk hurts
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
