I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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