She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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