the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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