I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
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I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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