I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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