He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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