I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
