I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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