I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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