I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
