Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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