I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
