i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
