did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
too bad you live with your parents still
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
