I want to have your abortion
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
