New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
