you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
