i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
