So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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