did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
