I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
