I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
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His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
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Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...