the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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