guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
