Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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