if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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