don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
