I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
