so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
