checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
