I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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