my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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