woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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