Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
