Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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