I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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