I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Michael Bay diarrhea
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
