for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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