If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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