dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
