Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This house was built for laser tag.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
