Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
