i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
