yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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