Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
