so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
