I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
