She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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