last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
