I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
