just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
