What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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