I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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