I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
