Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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