I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
